This Movie Will Require Dinosaurs Read online

  A PERIGEE BOOK

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) LLC

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014

  USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China

  penguin.com

  A Penguin Random House Company

  THIS MOVIE WILL REQUIRE DINOSAURS

  Copyright © 2014 by Curt Neill

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

  PERIGEE is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) LLC.

  The “P” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) LLC.

  eBook ISBN: 978-0-698-14407-1

  An application to catalog this book has been submitted to the Library of Congress.

  First edition: July 2014

  Text design by Kristin del Rosario

  Illustrations by Barak Hardley

  While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Most Perigee books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs. For details, write: [email protected].

  Version_1

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Introduction

  INT. I DON’T KNOW, AN APARTMENT?

  EXT. WAREHOUSE

  INT. LOCKER ROOM

  EXT. FIELD

  INT. OFFICE

  EXT. THE PLAINS OF AVALON

  EXT. PRISON YARD

  INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT

  INT. APARTMENT

  INT. HEADQUARTERS

  INT. BATHROOM

  INT. BAR - EVENING

  INT. KITCHEN

  EXT. BASEBALL FIELD

  INT. SECRET HIDEOUT

  INT. HI-TECH SCIENCE LAB

  EXT. HOUSE - FRONT YARD

  EXT. DRIVEWAY

  INT. TORTURE ROOM

  INT. CAFE

  INT. AN OFFICE

  INT. CHURCH

  EXT. DAYTONA 500

  EXT. PARK

  EXT. ROAD

  INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING

  INT. OFFICE

  INT. BEDROOM

  EXT. BATTLEFIELD

  EXT. STREET

  EXT. STREET

  INT. FLIGHT SCHOOL – OFFICE

  EXT. CAFE - MORNING

  EXT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - ARRIVALS

  EXT. BACKYARD

  EXT. BASEBALL FIELD

  EXT. STREET - NIGHT

  INT. ABANDONED FACTORY

  EXT. LAKE

  INT. DOLLAR STORE

  EXT. ROUTE 66

  EXT. STREET – DAY

  EXT. STREET

  EXT. MAJOR CITY - I’M THINKING CHICAGO

  INT. CHURCH

  INT. RUSSELL CROWE’S HOUSE

  EXT. PUBLIC POOL

  INT. AIRPORT HANGAR

  INT. LIVING ROOM

  EXT. SPACE

  INT. BASKETBALL ARENA

  INT. CAFE

  EXT. NEW YORK CITY

  INT. STARBUCKS

  INT. BREAK ROOM

  INT. LIVING ROOM

  INT. CENTRAL PERK

  INT. LOCKER ROOM

  INT. BAR

  INT. BEDROOM

  INT. OFFICE

  INT. DEPARTMENT STORE

  EXT. ROAD

  EXT. MOUNT ESTERIOUS

  EXT. MAJOR CITY

  EXT. MY MANSION - THE FUTURE

  INT. POOL HALL

  EXT. THE SURFACE OF MARS

  INT. SUBWAY

  INT. LIVING ROOM

  EXT. STREET

  EXT. OLD WEST TOWN

  EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY

  INT. ART SCHOOL - CLASSROOM

  EXT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

  EXT. STREET - NIGHT

  INT. CENTRAL PERK

  EXT. BACKYARD

  INT. THE CAVE OF DESPAIR

  INT. KITCHEN

  INT. BEDROOM

  INT. BATHROOM

  INT. HOUSE

  EXT. STREET

  INT. MY SUBCONSCIOUS

  EXT. GOLF COURSE

  EXT. BUILDING

  EXT. HOT TUB

  EXT. SECTOR 43 - PLANET Z

  INT. BAD GUY PLACE

  INT. DANCE HALL

  INT. A PLACE

  INT. MY PANTS

  INT. OFFICE

  INT. CLASSROOM

  EXT. STREET

  INT. BALLROOM

  INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

  EXT. BASEBALL FIELD

  INT. LIVING ROOM

  INT. OFFICE

  INT. MY WALLET

  INT. MONICA AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT

  EXT. RANCH

  EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - STREET

  EXT. SHOPPING MALL - PARKING LOT

  INT. ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S BEDROOM

  EXT. THE UNIVERSE

  INT. MY BANK ACCOUNT

  INT. DORM ROOM

  INT. BANK

  EXT. PARK

  INT. STAN’S OFFICE

  INT. CASINO

  INT. ADOLF HITLER’S OFFICE

  INT. LIVING ROOM

  EXT. HOUSE

  INT. DINER – NIGHT

  EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - MORNING

  EXT. PARK

  EXT. OUTDOOR BASKETBALL COURT

  INT. BEDROOM

  INT. CLEOPATRA’S PRIVATE BATH HOUSE (BATHROOM?)

  INT. BOWLING ALLEY

  EXT. A PERFECT WORLD

  INT. OR EXT. WHEREVER.

  INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

  INT. MY OFFICE

  EXT. CEMETERY

  INT. CASTLE OF KRIBERIA

  INT. LIVING ROOM

  EXT. STREET

  EXT. YANKEE STADIUM

  EXT. PARKING LOT

  INT. RESTAURANT

  INT. MY OFFICE

  INT. LIVING ROOM

  EXT. A PERFECT WORLD

  INT. CHURCH

  INT. OFFICE

  INT. STARBUCKS

  INT. RESTAURANT

  EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON

  EXT. MY BUTT

  EXT. STREET - NIGHT

  EXT. BASKETBALL COURT

  INT. SCIENCE LAB

  INT. MY OFFICE

  EXT. COFFEE SHOP

  EXT. FRONT YARD

  EXT. VENICE CANALS

  EXT. A PERFECT WORLD

  EXT. BASKETBALL COURT

  EXT. MY MANSION

  INT. MOVIE THEATER

  INT. SECRET HIDEOUT<
br />
  EXT. TALL BUILDING

  INT. GUNTHER’S APARTMENT

  INT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

  INT. A HALL (LIKE A BANQUET HALL, NOT A HALLWAY)

  INT. BRITNEY’S APARTMENT

  INT. SOME KINDA SUPER-SECRET GOVERNMENT BUILDING OR SOMETHING

  EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS

  INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY

  INT. MY BEDROOM - AFTERNOON

  Conclusion

  INTRODUCTION

  Hello. My name is C. W. Neill. Welcome to my book.

  Now, you may be asking yourself, “Who the heck’s this guy and why does he have a book?” Great question. I’ll answer it now.

  You see, as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved movies. I love the way they make me feel, I love the places they take me, I love the words the people say while they’re in them. And as long as that love has existed, I’ve been coming up with movie ideas of my own. Like, really good movie ideas. I guess I just got lucky and have one of those imaginations that’s never ending and capable of absolutely anything, ya know?

  More recently, this has led to me trying to put these ideas on paper in what is called a “screenplay.” It’s like the written version of a movie, but it’s not a book. Does that make sense? It’s also called a “script” sometimes. You guys have heard of scripts before, right? That’s what these are. But for the longest time no one ever heard my ideas or read my scripts.

  Until now . . .

  So one day, my best friend Randy was over at my place and we were just hanging out. Then he just happened to look at my computer and see what I was working on and he literally lost his mind over how good my ideas were. He was actually laughing hysterically out of amazement, even though they weren’t comedies. He begged me to let him read some more, so I was just like, “OK, yeah. Go for it.” Then he read like a hundred more and he loved every one of them. It was in that very moment that I thought, “OK, maybe you’ve got something here, C.W.”

  Then, sure enough, fourteen months later here we are! An entire book chock-full of some of my best and most interesting ideas. Incredible.

  Now, keep in mind, these are only the very beginnings of my ideas. “Idea seeds,” if you will. Seeds that will one day grow into huge idea trees that make millions of dollars at the box office and make certain people regret breaking up with me. Once I finish them, that is. But for now, it turns out just these very beginnings are already super-interesting and worth making a book out of.

  So I guess that’s it! I hope you like my book. I think it’s pretty good.

  Please, enjoy.

  —C. W. Neill

  --------------------

  INT. I DON’T KNOW, AN APARTMENT?

  DAVE sits on the couch or whatever. Maybe he’s standing, it doesn’t matter.

  --------------------

  EXT. WAREHOUSE

  Anywhere from twenty to twenty-five GUYS are involved in a gunfight. Some of the guys are GOOD GUYS, some of them are BAD GUYS, and one of them is AGENT JOHN MACKEY (good guy).

  Mackey’s a great shot, so he’s just taking out Bad Guys one by one. He shoots BAD GUY #7, but he doesn’t die right away.

  BAD GUY #7

  If I’m going down, you’re going down with me, Mackey!

  He pushes a red button on a DETONATOR and the whole place blows up in flames. But not before Mackey and the remaining Good Guys get out just in time.

  AGENT JOHN MACKEY

  Who wants tacos?

  Stupid question. Everybody does.

  --------------------

  INT. LOCKER ROOM

  A bunch of SPORTS GUYS are hootin’ and hollerin’ because they just won the big game.

  COACH enters and blows his WHISTLE. The guys hush up real quick. They don’t know what he’s gonna say.

  COACH

  Cool sports, men. Very cool sports.

  The guys all go back to celebrating, but now they’re including Coach and everyone’s really enjoying themselves.

  --------------------

  EXT. FIELD

  There’s a bunch of TREES. Right now I’m picturing SEQUOIA TREES. But depending on what kind of location we’re able to get once production starts, that can change. Just know that sequoia trees are preferred.

  A TYRANNOSAURUS REX shows up and he is pissed.

  NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.

  --------------------

  INT. OFFICE

  DAN sits at his desk, hard at work on some WORK.

  His assistant, MAGGIE, enters.

  MAGGIE

  Here are those reports you asked for, Dan.

  DAN

  Thank you, Maggie. Could you close the door for a moment, please?

  Maggie closes the door and then Dan immediately starts grabbing her BOOBS. She’s clearly into it, so they start French-kissing and taking off each other’s CLOTHES in preparation for HOT SEX (hopefully).

  --------------------

  EXT. THE PLAINS OF AVALON

  TRIBERION rides his trusty steed YULU across the never ending PLAINS OF AVALON.

  Suddenly he hears the familiar cries of an EAGLE OF ARGLARD and looks to the sky. Sure enough:

  EAGLE OF ARGLARD

  Hey, Triberion, what’s up?

  TRIBERION

  Hey, dude.

  --------------------

  EXT. PRISON YARD

  A bunch of PRISONERS are playing BASKETBALL and lifting WEIGHTS and stabbing each other via SHANKS.

  JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER enters the yard and gets this squinty look on his face like, “Come on, sun, really?”

  JASON STATHAM’S CHARACTER (V.O.)

  I never really thought of myself as the “prison type.” But I guess when the United States government thinks you tried to kill the President, you don’t get much say in the matter, do ya? Oh well... I voted for the other prick anyway.

  Then he just starts punching EVERYBODY.

  --------------------

  INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT

  CHANDLER and JOEY are sitting in their RECLINERS watching TV.

  ROSS enters with the biggest JAR OF MAYONNAISE you’ve ever seen in your life.

  CHANDLER

  Uh... witty, sarcastic quip much?

  STUDIO AUDIENCE

  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

  --------------------

  INT. APARTMENT

  MARY is breaking up with her boyfriend JASON. Jason isn’t very happy about the whole thing.

  MARY

  (crying)

  I’m sorry, it’s just not working out.

  JASON

  What do you mean it’s not working out?! That’s bullshit and you know it! It’s been working out for the last five years, hasn’t it?

  Mary just looks at the ground.

  JASON (CONT’D)

  This relationship has been working out for so long that it could compete in weight lifting competitions! Or maybe be a trainer or something. It’s been working out for so long that when people pass it on the street they stop and think, “Jeez is that relationship on steroids? Look how strong it is.” Because that’s what happens when things work out for so long, Mary, they get REALLY FUCKING STRONG! And that’s what happened with this relationship. It’s gotten really, really strong because it’s worked out for so long. And the fact that you’re sitting there, trying to tell me that it’s not working out... like some kind of fat, out of shape loser that doesn’t take care of its body, is horse shit! How dare you sit there and say something like that to me. After all the working out we’ve done together...

  Mary still doesn’t say anything.

  JASON (CONT’D)

  Well, I guess that’s it then. Looks like I won’t have a spotter the next time I
bench press my love for you.

  --------------------

  INT. HEADQUARTERS

  A bunch of important GUYS are sitting around a big round table and they all look super-nervous.

  THE PRESIDENT enters. Everyone sits up straight.

  THE PRESIDENT

  All right, fellas, I need ideas and I need ‘em now. What the heck are we gonna do about this Godzilla guy?!

  All the important Guys just shrug like, “Beats me.”

  JOHN MCCLANE enters dramatically.

  --------------------

  INT. BATHROOM

  JULIE is getting ready for bed.

  First she flosses. Then she brushes her teeth. Then she washes her face.

  Then there’s probably a couple minutes of girl stuff that I’m not really sure about. Then she poops. I think. Right?

  --------------------

  INT. BAR - EVENING

  TIM enters and starts scopin’ the place out. It’s straight up crawling with CHICKS and they all got boobs. He smirks and nods like, “Oh yeah, here we go.”

  Then he realizes that yet another sexual conquest won’t fill the hole in his heart and what he really wants more than anything is to be loved. Truly loved.

  Tim exits.

  --------------------

  INT. KITCHEN

  ROBIN is making DINNER, and she looks tired from a long day.

  TROY enters, drops his BRIEFCASE by the front door, and walks into the kitchen.

  ROBIN

  Hey, sweetie!

  TROY

  Hey, baby.

  Then Troy walks up behind Robin and hugs her sensually. Robin makes this face like, “Oh, that’s nice.” Then Troy reaches down her PANTS and Robin makes this other face like, “HELLO.”

  --------------------

  EXT. BASEBALL FIELD

  A group of YOUNG MEN are doing some casual BASEBALL. They’re having a great time because they’re friends and they love the game. Some things never change, know what I mean, haha.

  Then, get this—THE APOCALYPSE starts happening. WHAT?! Ugh. So now the guys have to go help, but they don’t have time to change. So they just wear their baseball outfits for the whole movie and they look really, really cool.

  ATTN: POTENTIAL PRODUCERS AND/OR DIRECTORS: The baseball outfits are NONNEGOTIABLE, so don’t even try it.